Posted by STEPHEN MCMURRAY Posted on 23 April 2024

Headlights, Heart Attacks and Hogwash

You can always rely on the ‘Daily Mail’ to spew out the most ludicrous headlines, especially if they help support the latest government fake narrative. In this case the narrative is, ‘absolutely everything can cause heart attacks with the exception of the covid vaccinations which can never do so under any circumstances whatsoever because they are so terribly safe and effective.’

The headline in question was the following –

“The glare of car headlights could be a risk for heart conditions.”

Yes, it is those hazardous headlights. They are the culprits. Those deadly, car components are causing cardiac carnage. First it was having cold showers. Then it was being exposed to too much sunlight. Next week it will be wearing socks that don’t match or putting your underpants on back-to-front that will suddenly be deemed the new official risk factor in heart attacks. To even suggest it might be the DNA-altering, experimental jabs causing your body to produce deadly, toxic spike proteins would be ridiculous. As loyal minions of the global cult, the press will no doubt soon be promoting the idea of compulsory eye-masks for drivers.

Expect the following piece from the purveyors of the preposterous soon-

“Studies by experts have proven driving with eye-masks is totally safe.”

‘Studies from Imperial College London have conclusively shown no increase in heart attacks when a motorist is wearing an eye-mask. Although some critics have argued that there will inevitably be more crashes due to the inability of drivers to see, the experts have dismissed this as a wild conspiracy theory by the usual anti-science brigade.

‘The chief of police has labelled these tinfoil-hat-wearing loonies as far right extremists. He said, “We are treating these sorts of remarks as dangerous, hate speech. It is clearly aimed at intimidating blind drivers by insinuating that they are more responsible for road accidents than the fully sighted. It is clearly, sightist, racist and lots of other words that I haven’t had time to make up yet.”

Of course, all the medical quacks and charlatans will quickly jump on board; the ones who see viruses lurking everywhere. Those virtuous virologists who vigilantly, and with verve and vigour, valiantly attempt to vanquish all vicious viruses and violently and vociferously vilify with great vitriol anyone that questions their idea that every human is a potential viral vector. You know the ones. If you are hit by a bus, they say it must be a virus. If you fall off a very tall building, it must be a virus. If you accidentally impale yourself on a melon-ball scooper whilst making yourself a nice fruit salad, it must be a virus. Therefore, expect the next headline to be –

“Medical experts have discovered the virus responsible for headlight heart attacks.”

‘Top scientists at the University of Baloney have discovered a new virus that they believe is responsible for the outbreak of ‘so-called’ Headlight Heart Attacks. It is believed to form in the glare around the periphery of car headlights. As this area of light looks a bit like the corona affect around the moon, they believe it is a new type of corona virus – and have named it CARS- Cov-3.

‘It is a novel virus in that it can travel through glass windshields to affect the eyes of the oncoming motorist, which causes stress and induces a heart attack. This is why they are calling the new disease linked to the virus – Car Headlight-Induced Cardio Killer Event at Night or CHICKEN.

Not satisfied with this, the experts will take it even further. Expect the following –

“CARS-Cov-3 linked to Bird Flu.”

‘Experts at the distinguished Hogwash Academy of Pseudoscience have now linked the novel CARS-Cov-3 virus to avian flu. Professor Nutter explains –

“Well because the new disease is called CHICKEN we thought it may have something do with chickens and birds in general. When we researched further we did indeed find a definitive link to chickens.”

“And what was that link?”

“We examined why the chicken crossed the road and discovered it always did this to avoid the headlamps of an oncoming car because it was afraid of being infected by the CARS virus. Not only that, but it never just waddled across, it always flew. That’s how we now know for sure that the CARS-Cov-3 virus is related to the bird flew virus.”

‘Due to this groundbreaking work Professor Nutter has already been nominated for Nobel prize.”

And then to follow-

“Cyclists most at risk from suffering from a CHICKEN.”

‘New research has found that cyclists are particularly susceptible to the new virus. Top scientists in the CHICKEN field, Professor Claptrap and Doctor Tosh, have discovered that cyclists are in a higher risk category than motorists from the deadly, novel corona virus.

‘Professor Claptrap explained their findings –

“We noticed a higher percentage of cyclists were suffering from pre-CHICKEN, that is symptoms that strongly indicate a CHICKEN  is about to happen. Symptoms like wheezing, heavy-breathing, weak limbs and tiredness.”

‘When pointed out to the professor that critics have claimed that these are simply symptoms of cycling itself, Doctor Tosh was quick to interject –

“The people that come out with this sort of nonsense are not experts. We have been studying CHICKENS for two whole weeks now and what we are saying is true and we have the evidence to back it up.”

“And what is that evidence?”

“Well, because cyclists, by their very nature, sit on bikes a lot of the time, we believe this has created toxic bike proteins in their system that makes them more susceptible to coronary events. Usually at this time of year there would be thousands of people suffering from Normal Cycling Fatigue but when we investigated the issue we discovered that every single person that had been diagnosed with NCF had admitted seeing car headlights at some point in the last 28 days. Therefore, it was obvious to us that it wasn’t NCF but pre-CHICKEN caused by the bike protein. In fact, NCF seems to have disappeared altogether this year to be replaced by the SARS Cov-3 virus.”

“What advice are you giving to those cyclists?

“Extrapolating those figures to the nation as a whole, there are potentially hundreds of thousands of cycling super-spreaders out there. I would suggest that all cyclists should immediately self-isolate and, if they must go out at all, only go out in daylight to avoid the virus which, as we know, is nocturnal.”

Naturally the health fascists and tyrants will not be satisfied with this so their sycophants in the press will have to push the agenda even further.

“Asymptomatic carriers can infect others with the CARS virus.”

‘Even people with no physical symptoms can pass on the deadly CARS Cov-3 virus, says expert. Doctor Blather from the Gobbledygook Institute of Virology has warned of a health emergency after it emerged that if you have seen car headlights, even at a distance, but are symptomless, you could still be carrying this disease and could be spreading it amongst your family.’

“What advice would you give to people at this very frightening time?”

“Always drive with 2 eyes masks, as we no longer believe one is enough. If you have a large bucket, put that on as an extra precaution. Always ensure you are at least 6 car lengths away from any other vehicle. When you come home, isolate yourself in the garage for at least 2 weeks, and burn all your clothing. As the viral particles can attach themselves to the retina, always keep your eye masks on in the presence of others as a simple glance could cause them to have a CHICKEN.”

‘Other people have suggested even more robust measures, including wearing a trio of masks. The group, calling themselves the Three Masketeers, comprising celebrities, talk show hosts and academics have called for swift punishment for anyone breaching the rules.

“They should be shot on sight,” one was quoted as Saying.

Another one said. “Who do these people think they are, yapping on about freedom? What about our freedom to tell everyone else what to do.”

“I concur,” said a well-Known chat show host, “lock them up and throw away the key”

Other famous celebrities have also added to the cries for severe punishment for non-eye mask wearers. A famous Hollywood actor said ‘they should have a mask surgically attached their eyes, that’ll teach them.”

“Disembowelment, that’s the answer,” said another.

A top academic replied by saying, “These so called ‘freedom fighters’ are extremists. Disembowelment is too good for them. Full bodily dismemberment, that’s the only way. But not quick. No, let them disgusting, little anti-maskers suffer. Do it real slow.”

The Home secretary was asked about whether these provocative comments could be defined as ‘hate speech.’

“No, not at all, I mean these people are afraid, they have a right to express an opinion. I mean we do wholeheartedly believe in free speech in this country. It’s these lunatic, non-mask- wearing, terrorists. We need to silence their voices in case they radicalise anyone else. I mean encouraging people not to wear an eye-mask that could result in millions of grannies dying. Now, that’s hate speech.”

“What do you propose to do about these anti-maskers, Home secretary?”

“My parliamentary colleagues and I find it quite outrageous that anyone, in the midst of a health emergency like this, should be callously driving around with their eyes uncovered.  We will be rushing through legislation immediately, called the On-Face Safety Bill, which will make it a criminal offence for anyone to be inside, or in the general vicinity of, a motor vehicle without wearing suitable, protective eye-wear as recommended by the Department of Health.”

“And what sort of eye-masks are being recommended for use?”

“There will be a full updated list on the government website but basically anything that fully covers the eyes – a tea cosy, if it complies with the recommended dimensions, ie it must stretch below eye level when pulled own over the head. Balaclavas, if put on backwards. N95 surgical masks, but they must be worn in pairs, one over each eye. Pirate eye-patches, again, they must be worn in pairs. A bucket, either plastic or metal or a pair of your grandmother’s old tights as long as they are high denier.”

And what sort of punishment will there be for non-compliers?”

“We are proposing introducing a three-tier approach. For first offenders, they will be beaten vigorously with a large stick. For a second offence they will be beaten even more vigorously with multiple sticks and for three- time offenders we are proposing beating them with an entire tree, with or without leaves, depending on the time of year and whether it’s more convenient and cost-effective to use a conifer or one of the many deciduous varieties.”.

And finally, just when you think they can’t ratchet up the fear anymore, they will print this –

“World Health Organisation declares pandemic. The end if nigh! You are all going to die! Run away and hide in your basement.”

‘The WHO have, today, announced that the CARS-Cov-3 virus is now a danger to the global population and have declared it a pandemic. Their advice is to stay at home at all times, preferably in different rooms from your family members. All motor vehicles will be requisitioned by specialised government CARS safety teams and burned so as not to expose anyone else to headlights. Even children’s toy cars must be incinerated in case the virus spreads to them. There will be some exemptions, however. Owners of Ferraris, Porsches, Lamborghinis, Rolls-Royces and Jaguars can rest easy as these particular models appear to be immune to the virus.

“Boris Balderdash, the Prime Minister, when asked how long he thinks these measures will be in place, said this –

‘I’m afraid these measures will remain indefinitely. The only hope is that there will be some great tectonic upheaval and a shifting of the poles so the UK will end up in the arctic circle and we will get 6 months of daylight with no need for headlight usage, in which case everyone will be allowed out once a day to build snowman. I must emphasise however, that even in those circumstances all snowmen must be blindfolded just in case some granny-killing extremist happens to have the lights of his snowplough on during the day and infects him.’

“What about a vaccine. Prime minister?”

“That, of course, is the other hope and I am pleased to say that this government has already donated 100 million, squillion, pounds to the pharmaceutical company, “Bilge, Bosh and Balderdash, who are currently working on such a vaccine.”

“Any idea of a timeline?”

“Well, after going through the most rigorous testing and safety protocols and stage 3 trials we could have it up and running by next Tuesday. We already know that it is 100% effective so everyone will only need 50 doses each.”

“What tests have you done?”

“We injected two, fully mature, Ford Fiesta headlights with the vaccine and, although they did show some dimming, they remained lit and are not infectious. We also tested it on the headlights of a bus, a train, a lorry and the lamps of a bicycle, a tricycle, a tandem, a unicycle and a penny farthing and all of them survived and are showing a robust illuminating response. Sorry but I have to go now, I have a party to attend. See you all after lockdown.”

“So there you have it. Lock yourselves in, wear an eye-mask, don’t kill granny and never, ever question ‘the science.’

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