In his bed in the White House residence, President Joe Biden sleeps. He begins dreaming. A familiar figure appears. A man in a dark suit. Biden has seen him many times in his dreams over the years. The man is not God or the Devil or an angel. He is a messenger. From where? Unknown.
All right, Joe. It’s time for another one of our chats.
It’s YOU. I don’t know whether I’m up for it.
Sure you are, Joe. You know me. I give you things to think about.
That’s what I’m afraid of. My thinking’s not so smooth these days.
I can see that. You had a few close scrapes at the press conference.
If I hadn’t known the questions in advance, I could have gone off the rails completely. For a second there, I thought I was in Iowa.
They dragged you across the finish line in the election. But here you are. You’re the president.
For how long? A few nights ago, I dreamed Kamala was a vulture.
She is, Joe. But she’s not your enemy. Vultures just perform clean-up operations, when it’s time. They’re like machines. They carry out their programmed functions. You’re okay, for now.
And Barack keeps hovering. He’s not exactly my friend.
Well, Joe, remember what you said about him in 2008: “I mean, you got the first African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”
I was just riffing off the top of my head.
You tend to do that. Your brain aneurysm in 1988. Pulmonary thrombosis. Two surgeries. That’s a heavy load, Joe.
I can think and speak clearly, and then I can’t. The drugs must have side effects, too. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through a sticky web. And did you watch those news bastards after the presser the other day? They actually complimented me for standing alone at the podium and having the list of reporters’ names all to myself. I mean, it was as if they were talking about a guy in a nursing home.
They’re trying to cover for you, Joe. But they’re incompetent. They end up sounding patronizing.
The news business has gone to hell in a handbasket. Have you taken a good look at Lester Holt? He’s Lurch, from the Addams Family. And Chris Wallace? He’s a dead ringer for a slimy bookie I once knew. Went to jail for shaving points in college basketball games. He cheated at golf, too. One time on a public course in Delaware…
Easy does it, Joe. Now let’s get down to brass tacks. Starting with the Southern border.
The border? What’s wrong with it? Is somebody changing the map?
Here’s the thing. Lots of people are realizing you have no ceiling on immigration. None. You could bring in enough people to vote for Democrats in the 2022 election…and the Democrats would win by a margin of 10 to 1, and you’d STILL let in more migrants.
California has lots of room. With all the fires and droughts, they have a huge amount of empty space there. Barack told me—I think he got it from David Rockefeller…by the way, how’s David doing these days? I haven’t heard from him.
He’s dead, Joe.
Really? Are you sure? I didn’t see an obit.
Well, okay. Anyway, what was I saying?
Barack told you…
Right. The plan is to flood the US with so many immigrants that only the government can rescue the country. Something like that. Government will be the largest employer by far. Hell, we’ve been heading in that direction for some time. They had me sign this thing. At least, I think they did.
I’m trying to keep up with you, Joe. What thing did they have you sign?
Green socialism. The 30 by 30 project. In ten years, the federal government wants to control 30 percent of all land in the US. We’ll make sure the energy use on that land is clean and renewable.
You know that won’t work, Joe. Solar and wind can’t replace oil, natural gas, and coal. It’ll be a disaster.
Not my problem. It’s up to the smart engineers to come up with solutions. It’s amazing what people can do when you put pressure on them. Have you ever seen a wind farm? All those giant poles and the propellers spinning? Some spin, others are quiet and don’t move. Why is that?
The quiet ones are broken.
Really? Why don’t they fix them? I’ll try to remember that for my next briefing.
What do you think is going to happen when the government tries to take away gigantic amounts of land from private owners?
The news’ll have a field day with it. But they’ll support me.
Let’s move on. Do you remember saying Antifa isn’t an organization, it’s an idea?
I said that?
It’s an interesting thought.
It’s demonstrably false. As riots keep breaking out across the country, all sorts of people are going to bring up that Antifa quote.
I’ll be on to other issues. Like taking the guns away. Outlawing them.
But in the face of riots, people will want those very guns, to defend themselves.
Tell that to George Floyd.
People with guns shot George Floyd.
No they didn’t.
They could have. They would have.
AGAIN, moving on. You should be careful about following Fauci. He’s making so many blunders even the press is starting to ask questions.
Hey. He’s the doctor. I talked to him about my personal situation the other day. I think he was surprised the medical team is changing my dosages so often. Trump isn’t still living in the White House, is he?
No. He’s gone.
Once in a while, I think I see him going around a corner in a hallway. But I don’t mention it to my Secret Service people.
COVID can go on forever.
Joe, the whole country will sink into oblivion. The governors can’t keep closing businesses and declaring lockdowns. Things have to open up and stay open.
Things will stay open. Didn’t you listen to my press conference? We’re going to stage a giant FDR public works program. Repair the national infrastructure. There’ll be millions of good paying jobs.
How are you going to do that, if people have to wear masks all day and stand six feet apart?
I’ll have Fauci issue a special dispensation. But I believe we can put up plexiglass shields between the workers. You know, during my campaign last year, a few people told me I was the next Franklin Roosevelt.
This public works infrastructure program is going to cost trillions of dollars.
The Fed Reserve people say that’s no problem. The money pit is very deep.
More countries are trying to detach themselves from the dollar. They’re losing confidence in it.
So what? We’ve got leverage. We’ll stop selling them toys.
You know, kids’ toys.
They come from China, Joe. And anyway, that’s not—
Makes no difference. The Chinese president understands I won’t take any guff from him. I mentioned that the other day.
He’s stringing you along.
He might think he is. But I’m holding aces.
The Tennessee Valley Authority. TVA. If we finish building the dams by the deadline, we’ll generate so much electricity the Chinese will be rocked back on their heels. It’s the Japanese I’m worried about. If they get the oil they’re looking for, their military will take over the entire region. That’s why we need more Naval strength. Which translates into more jobs for Americans.
You’re Joe Biden, not FDR.
Don’t you think I know that? I just put us back in the climate picture. We’re on board with the Paris Accords again. By the time I’m through, people will be calling me the second black president.
Because social justice is coming on like a tsunami. Do you know how we can defund the police and build up their strength at the same time?
No, Joe, I don’t.
It’s called volunteerism, which made this country great. The new police will be staffed by the people who’ve been oppressed by the cops. They’ll work for nothing, part-time, and keep crime rates low. Another way to look at it is…the people who are going to jail will become law-enforcement. That cuts crime by half right away. We have bright MBAs from Harvard. They can work out the details. The great thing about being president is, I can stick with big ideas. I don’t need to fill in the blanks and write up reports.
Joe, stop it. You’re wobbling.
I’m the template for a new leader. I’m the surreal president. The Salvador Dali of the Oval Office. Get it? I keep people off balance. No more business as usual. I dream my way through my first term, and in my second term I bring the hammer down. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I make chaos and then I solve it with order. I’m not as wobbly as you think I am.
So that’s your strategy?
You bet. I present America with unsolvable problems. A whole host of off-the-wall propositions. I drive people crazy, and then later I bring them back to sanity. I’ve studied history, my friend. This is how it’s done.
You’re crazy like a fox?
That’s the ticket.
I never would have known.
See, I even fooled you.
I’m having a LOT of trouble keeping up with you, Joe.
You’re a good test case. If you can’t stay the course with me for ten minutes, imagine what’s happening to the rubes and yokels in the hinterlands.
They’re angrier by the day.
Fine. Anger is the first stage in the five stages of acceptance. Anger, fretting, grief, remorse, passivity. Queen Elizabeth.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. And those weren’t her exact steps.
Close enough for government work. I’m a magician. You think the card is HERE, but it’s over THERE.
The country and the world have been in an economic depression for the past year, Joe.
And the only solution is a war. The massive revving up of our defense industry. Save your aluminum foil and turn it in to the government. Gas rationing. Rosie the Riveter. She hooks right into the rise of the transgender woman.
Who’s going to fight in this war, Joe?
Doesn’t matter. France, Germany, England. I’m looking for an interesting twist where the US and China are on the same side. Wouldn’t that be something?
A real head scratcher.
I know. But that’s what we have to do now. Mix things up. Create mind-bending scenarios. It’s as if Iceland suddenly shows up in the Gulf of Mexico. Here’s one. There’s a group at a tip-top elite private school in New York. They’ve just issued an ultimatum to the administration. The school has to eliminate advanced courses, because black children aren’t performing well in them. How do you like that? See? Shaking things up. Nobody knows what to do. The brain freezes. Can’t compute.
And that’s good?
Of course. Breaks old patterns. Who cares how you do it? What was up is down. Viruses from outer space. That could be next on the agenda. Real scientists making claims. Then Fauci’s persuasive powers would be tested. Or how about dumping huge amounts of antidepressants in the water supply? You keep stretching the credulity of the public until it snaps and breaks. Boys playing sports on girls’ teams. That’s another one. You keep on with these programs until people’s minds split open like melons.
And then what, Joe?
And then we don’t know. And that’s good. A new world is on the table. That’s why they put me in the White House. Think about it. A mentally deficient, declining, and deranged president. Have we ever had one of those before? I’m in the Oval for a purpose. To be outrageous and inconceivable and surreal. Every day.
I’m going, Joe. I’ll try to get back here later. Maybe in a few months.
Don’t count on any “restoration” of my state of mind. This may be the best Joe Biden you’ll talk to, from here on out. If I play my cards right.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
I like you. A leader needs critics. They’re his best friends. You’re my dog.