Hello, this is 911, Tampa police.
O the horror!
This is CNN Karen. I’m a reporter covering the Super Bowl. I’m near the stadium and people are sitting in cafes without masks! The horror!
Not wearing masks?
Dozens of them. Hundreds. I’m filming them, so you can hunt them down.
Are you wearing a mask, Karen?
I’m wearing two! To protect myself.
If two are better than one, three are better than two.
Is that a wisecrack? Because if it is, my network has connections all the way into the White House.
You mean Joe Biden will come down here and personally arrest me?
There are people standing in the street with drinks in their hands, and they aren’t wearing masks!
Are you aware the governor has issued an order against fining people for mask-less-ness?
It’s true. You should do a little background research for your report. I understand it helps.
Who the hell is this?
I’m not permitted to give out my name, Karen. Rest assured, I’m a member of the Tampa police.
Did you vote for Trump?
I voted for the man in the moon, on a write-in ballot. I’m a registered independent. Let me ask you, Karen, are you in any physical danger at the moment?
No one has approached me yet, but it could happen.
Why do you say that?
Because I’m a reporter.
We don’t automatically hate reporters in Florida. The state, in fact, has a number of newspapers. To say nothing of television channels. I believe CNN broadcasts to Floridians.
I’m going to skewer you.
I’m trembling, Karen.
We’re in the middle of a pandemic!
And you’re doing your duty as a snitch. Let me ask you another question, Karen. Do you have a family?
I don’t identify in that way.
Excuse me? We’re having a GENDER conversation now? How DO you identify, Karen?
None of your business!
Let’s see…I have your bio page on my screen. You’re 36, you live in Greenwich, Connecticut. Married, two children. Your husband is an investment banker. He’s probably looking for good deals for his clients. You know, distressed properties. Businesses that have been destroyed by the lockdowns. I’m sure he’s doing quite well.
How dare you!
I just like to know who I’m dealing with. Wait. Here’s a photo of you at a restaurant with friends. What do you know, you’re not wearing a mask.
That was just the one time! I had a cold. I was having trouble breathing.
All those people you’re telling me about right now? In the cafes, in the streets, without masks? I’m sure they’ve been having trouble breathing…and working, too, and earning a living, because their businesses have been destroyed. They’re trying to have a little fun.
I’m going to report you to your superiors.
That’s it? Come on. Include me in your story. I want to be heard in my own words. I’ll send you a recording of this call.
I need police assistance!
Well, I’m looking further…yes, I thought I remembered you. You did several stories on defunding the police. It was pretty clear you were on the side of the people who demanded defunding. But now you want my help. I find that odd, to say the least.
There are extraordinary moments when we all need the police.
You’re saying that now, when you’re afraid, but when you’re with your friends and colleagues, you want to put us out of business. You’d like to see me out on the street without a job. You don’t care that some poor bastard is having his home invaded or his store burned down and he can’t get help.
Look, I’m just trying to say people are out here right now spreading the virus. That’s all.
No, that’s not all. Have you checked the official number of flu cases, Karen? Has it ever occurred to you that people with ordinary flu are being re-labeled COVID-19? Of course not. Why would it occur to you?
Did I really reach 911? Is it possible my phone is being hijacked, and this call was rerouted to someone who works for Tucker Carlson?
Bingo. You caught me, Karen. Tucker has a vast network of spies, more than 500,000 people. We’re everywhere, and we’re all connected. We roam the landscape and expose people like you. I’m actually in a suite at the Four Seasons. Three grand a night, and Tucker is personally paying for it. He owns oil wells in Saudi Arabia.
I’m starting to sniffle. I feel feverish. I think I just caught the virus.
I don’t doubt it. You see, we have special weapons that shoot the virus, and we pinpoint our enemies. It’s all commanded remotely, from our headquarters in Moonshine, Tennessee. We’re the bitter clingers, with our guns and religion. We never went to school, but we have a native craftiness. We built these virus-shooting weapons from simple tubing and gunpowder.
Get an ambulance over here. I feel faint.
It must be the MUTANT STRAIN. It originally comes from Mars. Did you know that, Karen? CNN has access to Fauci. Get him on camera and grill him. He’ll admit it. You see, Karen, there are basically two groups of people in America. There are YOUR PEOPLE, and then there are OURS, and all of us are QAnon. That’s right. Those three huge Trump rallies in Washington DC? ALL of us—the three million people—are sworn members of the official Q Group. ALL three million of us planned the Capitol break-in. The brainstorming took place in the Arizona desert months and months ago. We were ALL there for a week. We lived on canned Spam, cactus juice, and hope. That goofy schmuck wearing fur with the Viking helmet and horns? He’s our leader. He’s actually a genius. He works with Tucker. Out there in the desert, we all took a vote and decided to break into the Capitol and kidnap Nancy Pelosi and take her to the backroom of a deli in Brooklyn. We’d exchange her for a new law declaring that Trump would be appointed Commander General of the United States for Life. That was the operation. We bribed the Capitol Police with six hundred cans of Spam, so they would let us in. But at the last minute, Trump backed down. In his speech, he was supposed to say, SPAM FAKE NEWS DRAIN SWAMP ATTACK NOW OVERTHROW CREEPY JOE, but he never gave the signal. So the whole op collapsed. I’m giving you the inside scoop, Karen. Report it. CNN’s ratings will go through the roof.
I think I’m passing out.
Courage, Karen. You’re a JOURNALIST. Don’t fade. You’ve got the story of the century. You’ll be an instant star.
A star?…You swear you’re telling me the truth about all this?
Scout’s honor. It’s pure gold.
I can say “a source inside the Tampa Police confirmed…”?
Yes. That’s the ticket. Hit it hard. Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Karen. Report THE NEWS.
I think I feel a little better.
Of course you do. You’ve got a sacred mission now.
…Is it really GO time?
Launch, baby, launch…
“Hello…HELLOHELLOHELLO, red alert, this is CNN Karen, live, and I’m standing on the streets of Tampa, Florida, where people who are part of a vast conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States are partying like there’s no tomorrow. Buckle up. An unimpeachable law-enforcement source has just handed me the bottom line on a story that will shake the foundations of this nation. I’m going to remove my masks because I want to make sure you receive my message with unmistakable clarity. Three million sworn blood-oath QAnon members almost killed America, and here’s how it happened. It all started on a cloudless day in the Arizona desert. A day of Spam, cactus juice, and hope…”